The Amnesia Bitters

My life

2011-04-07T15:02:00.001-07:00

Lately I've come upon several realizations. The first and foremost: I am (currently) happy. I believe that this comes from me not wanting anything. At the moment, there are times where I enjoy myself and the company of others where I don't think about things that I want, or where I don't want anymore than what I have.

This leads into my second realization: I am not (currently) happy. Though I would have to say I am more happy than I am not, my unhappiness arises from my (continuous) lack of direction. There always need to be something for you to conquer, over that hill you're climbing, you should see another, even bigger hill to climb. It's not so much that my life has no hills, it's just that I don't feel very compelled to climb them.

Third realization: I need a hobby. So here it is. After years of saying how much I love music and want to play the piano, I don't want to play the piano. It would be cool If I could, but I don't really feel interested enough to put the time into it. Especially by myself. Same goes for a comic. I've decided that I want to pursue a deeper passion, travel.

More than just sightseeing, I want to adventure around the world (most of it anyways). That being said, I now have a goal to aspire to. I've decided that my first trip should be around the US. I want to drive to different cities, see sights, meet people, and spend some time opening my eyes to the wonderful and terrible things that this country has to offer. I will plan it for 5 years in the future.

I wonder how much vacation time I'll get at work?

WOW

2010-11-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, so over a year ago I wanted to do THE SAME EXACT THINGS THAT I WANT TO DO NOW.
No progress has been made. the list btw

Do homework
Learn to play piano
Make comic (story boards)

Well, if this is really what I want to do I guess I'll buy some books to learn how to draw for story boarding and plug that stupid keyboard in.

This is supposed to be my journal, right?

2010-11-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

So here are some things plaguing my mind:

I hated leaving China - I'm SOOO fucking happy that I'm here in America, finishing up collage. I can't imagine being there for so long without the proper technology and people telling me the truth. I just feel like I walked out on something, and I don't like the idea of it. It's the principle.

I fucking want to play music again - I just feel really scared when I plug in the keyboard and I hit the note and it makes a sound and I just want to stop because I'm not Mozart. That's the train of thought anyway.

I love my ferret - I fucking read her thoughts. But it makes me sad that we have dissimilar interests. I would rather play video games all day while she would rather sleep. Plus she poops too much.

I really love my girlfriend - because I know that she's reading this *heart*

I hate being addicted to things - Video games, cigarettes, Coke-a-Cola. Just knowing that something has an ACTUAL pull on my thoughts and actions makes me sick. But these strings are hard to cut. I rebel at times, telling my self that I'm better for it, "proving" that I'm in control, then I crash and seek comfort in what vices in know (masturbation).

LOL - didn't see the masturbation thing coming did you? Gotcha!

I'm fat - holy shit I'm fat. After I finish school I really want to do the P90x thing, but eating healthy food sucks. Oh, and coke, cigarettes, etc., masturbation.

I hate living at home - my mom is the snoopiest person ever. My invalid grandmother who never leaves the couch is her Woodstock.... which makes me... Linus?

House is getting old - not Hugh though, just the show. It's like, "hey, nothing makes sense so lets just confuse everyone and promote dosing people with lethal doses of radiation and poor medical practices, then solve the case! Hey everyone, it's not lupus!"

My friends suck - most of them anyways, some of the time. Oh man, can we stop taking everything so seriously everyone? Y'all niggas need to lighten up. All the politics, all the selfishness, all the uncleanliness, fuck that shit. It's boring, it's rude, and it's gross. Fix yo shit.

I feel like everyone is doing nothing - but then why bother asking what I'm doing? Wouldn't I too be doing nothing? Are you asking because you want something to do? Then why shy away when I bring something up, pretending to be doing something?

Real cool people don't care about being cool - but all the fakes want to hang out with other fake people that fake it better. I believe this is why it's so hard for me to find people as cool as me, they try too hard.

I have all these ideas about story lines, I just don't know what to do with them. I think I should story board them, then have a picture book, that way I can do what I want with them later. I just need to be able to draw so that I can understand them later.

Oh, and New years resolutions suck.

Bye!

Go Team Venture!

2010-01-23T02:04:00.000-08:00

Well, seeing as how I have a whole year to do this... My RESOLUTIONS!!!!

1. Graduate from College

2. Get a job (that makes more than 40k)

3. Fix car

4. Cosplay at a con

5. Read one book every week

6. Weigh 160 lbs (210 now)

7. Call my family once a week

8. Make the bed every day

9. Pay off my credit card

Print this out!

Bleh

2009-10-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting with that professor I had a problem with. Just as I thought, things got better when I got a chance to know him. I really feel like I know the direction that the class is going in now, I just have to do the readings... Too bad I'm not a big reader, But I'm going to seriously make an effort. Now for one of my favorites: a list of things I need to do!
1. Aristotle paper
2.Other paper I have to do for my ethics class...
3. Boethius paper
4. Final paper for Philosophy class
OK!
Now things that I will actually* do!
(*try to)
1. Read ch1-6 in Capitalism at the X-roads
2 Read Working ethics in its entirety
3. Start working on papers!!
4. Start learning how to draw
Alright! Nothing to it but to do it, right?

The corporation

2009-10-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Just saw The Corporation...
I think corporation is a pretty cool guy, eh' steals from the earth and doesn't afraid of anything.
This sustainable business class is actually pretty awesome. My only problem is with the teacher, his teaching sucks! Now, to be fair, I don't think that he sucks personally. Maybe with a smaller class size, or shorter class time, he would be great. But as it is, he's horrible at organizing activities and discussions. *Sigh* I'm off now to do some reading, and update my project.

Obligation

2009-10-13T23:28:00.001-07:00

The only reason I'm posting is because I feel like I have to.

Update:

I'm currently sick

I have 2 papers due in 3 days (which isn't that bad)

I'm trying to be more social

I still feel as if my family boggs me down, but I think they only do it because they feel I have nothing better to do.

end

Ideas

2009-09-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

What do I do with my time?

I play video games

What Would I rather do?

homework

play the piano

watch anime

make a comic

ok.

now lets plan this out. why? because plans allow you to record your progress while comparing it to the relatively small goals that you set for yourself. Now:

Homework:

-Get out of house. Why? Because when I'm at home all I do is play video games.

-Bring materials to read.

-Bring laptop to turn in assignments.

-???

-Profit

Play the Piano (its actually a keyboard):

-Plug that bitch in

-Put it on the table

-Open sheet music

-???

-Profit

Watch anime:

-Turn on computer

-???

-Profit

Make a comic:

-write down ideas

-l2draw

-???

-Profit

So it really is that easy!

Now all I have to do is make sure I leave the house whenever I have anything important to do, plug that bitch in, turn on my computer, and l2draw!

Wow. I guess life really is that simple.

"If there is a wall in our way, we'll destroy it. If there is no road, we'll pave one with our own hands."

2009-07-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

Update:
I received my first "A" at USF. To fully express my emotions at the time I will simply say that I liken it to the scene in Spanglish where Adam Sandler gets the good restaurant review. Fair to say I was excited, as was my mother, but something that I had dreaded had finally come true; I set the bar higher. Something that I have prolonged for so long, getting the good grade showed that I wasn't the average student. I am beginning to show up on the radar. Is it so wrong to crave tranquillity? To want obscurity? I look at the image of the prominent business elite, the socialite, the smooth talker, "the walk" walker.
All that attention isn't something that I want, it never has been, but things can't be about what I want anymore, now they have to be about what I need. To choose that kind of future, or any other; in the end I have a number of paths before me, same as the next man, but I fear that my indecisiveness will be the end of me. The bad end. So in an attempt to organize my thoughts I will try to lay them out here, for the world to see. As much as I want to be hidden, I can't let myself simply disappear. I've made my presence known now, and I have to adjust accordingly.

Finish school
I need to finish my B.A., end of story. I also need to do well in all my courses to make sure that people don't see that "A" as just a fluke. People will see my potential, and how far I have been willing to take it. This is my Priority One.
Get a Job
Holy crap. Seriously planning to skip meals just to fill up my gas tank, pay my rent, or other utilities... As much as I would like to wait for an internship, my father cannot continue to support me. I need to start making money on my own. Plus I've begun to put a strain on my girlfriend with all the money issues. The only problem is that a job may interfere with my education, having less time for school work and projects would put a strain on my grades.

You know, I seriously thought that there would be more. To be honest, things are a bit more complicated than that, but maybe they don't have to be. I just need a job that will pay the bills... I just have to focus on studying and working... but at what cost? Do I have to give up my friends and family? Studying all week, working weekends, this type of schedule is stressful for me because I care very much about my friends and family.
Would doing so would mean that I would be neglecting them. In my list of priorities I would have them at the top, but is that just idealistic thinking? Casting aside those that care for me, raised me, supported me, for my own selfish ambition; isn't that like selling out? Or is there a socially acceptable amount that I can get away with (if I should settle for society's standards instead of my own)?
How would they feel if I told them I had to put them on the back burner, missing birthdays and holidays? These are the people who taught me the meaning of virtues and sacrifice, to honor and respect them. Would I be openly spitting in their faces? Would they understand the pain in my heart that I feel as I put this down? How can I when they continue to support me to this day emotionally and financially?
I guess it isn't so simple. With so many questions, perhaps I should just ask them. In philosophy class we learned that we shouldn't fear the future, because the future is unknown we don't know whether it will be good for us or bad.
Perhaps I will bring these things to their attention. My grandmother is out of town, my father... to be honest I wonder what kind of advise he would give. As I understand, things aren't going so well for him either. I would like to speak to my uncle again, the last time I had a good talk with him, I was considering becoming part of the clergy after I had finished school.
Before all of those, I will start with those closest to me, in a more physical distance sense. My girlfriend, then brother, mother, grandmother-B, friends, father, uncles, then grandmother-D. Maybe I should print this out for notes...

For the sake of posterity, I simply cannot end a post in such a way, so I will end with one of my favorite quotes: "If there is a wall in our way, we'll destroy it! If there is no road, we'll pave one with our own hands."

So kids, lets set out there and make it happen!

Day 140,276

2009-05-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

Don't know about tomorrows list. Off the top of my head is:
1. Log how many hours a day I have spent online, starting from last week
2. Read SOMETHING of the papers I have due
3. Plan for Vegas
4. Install Radio for car
5. Schedule maintanance for my car before Vegas Trip

No summary, just what I've been thinking:
I have thought about alot over the past couple of weeks. If I have an internet addiction, how to control said addiction, moving onto a different brand of cigarette (Benson and Hedges), what I am going to do with my life in general, what I am going to do with my life in the 12 months after collage, do I want a family (yes), could I actually make it as a stay at home dad (I really fucking hope so!), but the main thing on my mind is reguarding a dream I had.

In the dream, I am in a "white zone." I'm not surrounded by light, it's not bright, just...white, everywhere. In the middle of me just chilling there I hear a voice. Now, I don't recall exactly what "It" said, only that "It" attracted my attention very much the same way a child does it's father. It was more like a "hey, look over here," than anything else. When I had turned around, there was nothing there... only more white-ness. The strangest part of it all was that I "recognised" or "associated" the voice to be that of Jesus Christ.

Now I have never been visited by any angel, demon, space monkey, UFO, or anything else. I am a catholic, named after two saints, and consider myself to be veryspiritual, though not very religious. I have told a select few about the dream and they thought nothing of it. After some time I will attempt to dissern whatever my mind can muster out of the dream.

The voice, was Jesus. End of that one.

The White-ness, I think, are my "works." In the Catholic religion, (to my understanding) people are exemplified in two ways, by their faith and their works. It is said that faith is what gets us closer to heaven, and our works that bring heaven closer to our world. Because I consider myself to be pretty spiritual, I can knock out the faith part. It would makemore sense that, due to my lazy nature, the white-ness are my works (or lack there of).

I think that the dream was Jesus, caling attention to my lack of works... So what?
So now what?
What's next?
What needs to be done?

I don't really have an answer to that, but since this dream occured (btw, was several months ago) is has constantly been at the front of my mind. I don't really know how to go about doing good works. In my priority list, work is far from the top:
1. Family
2. Allie
3. Erin
4. Friends
...
(Long way down)
...
#. work

For the time being, I have decided to give the seminary a try (you know, after I get my degree in international business, with a minor in japanese...). My thinking is, because I have no direction on how do to good works in my life, I will devote my life (or at least a part of it) to doing pretty much nothing but good works.

Only time can tell. In the near future, I canonly hope I stay commited enough to finish school, keep on living somewhere besides my parents' houses, keep my ferret alive, and keep my girlfriend in love with me. Piece of cake, right?

2009-04-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

Day 21
1. Pick up Allie from work
2. Go to salon
3. Get hold off
4. Call therapists
5. Buy Ferret food

Review:
Woke up late, around 10:00. Before i fully awoke though, Aly texted me about how much the electric bill was, and I replied. Though when I did, I thought it was my Allie. :p Afterward, I played one game of DotA to wake myself up and I did horribly. I then set some clothes to wash and took a shower. After my shower I got on the phone with people from quickbooks to register and get help with a problem I had in the accounting section. After working out the kinks, I watched The Man Show season 1 while working on the accounts. I did more laundry and by the time 7 came around I got some food for my sisters and I. Apperantly I was pretty hungry because I ordered alot: a club sandwich meal, grilled chicken wrap, and a McChicken. I am now finished with laundry and am about to head home, after getting gas.
Imaginings:
... Thought more about the Puck animation I want to do. I'm thinking about remixing the song to make it longer. I am also thinking about using real footage of Puck owning in a game (dunno if I really want it to be me yet). Aside from that, I can't really remember what I imagined today. I thought about how life would be at the appt. next year. I also thought about what it would be like having 2 ferrets instead of one.... Too much craziness, and Allie would probably make me clean the cage at that point. I felt sad about missing my friend's birthday a couple days ago, and I kinda feel bad about not being able to get my dad anything for his birthday later this week. I just don't have the fundage at this point. I thought about buying the sheet music for the Rocky song: Going the Distance; or at least finding the piano version of some kind of medley.

Day 9

2009-04-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

This is actually Day 10, but it's still early enough for me.
Get Done:
1. Pick up part for Papa
2. Finish January's Invoices
3. Read those 2 Chapters for J-Lit
4. Call Abuelita Dina
5. Call therapists for letters of dates attended

Review of Yesterday:
Woke up and went to my mom's house. I had to be present for the nurses to examine my grandmother. I really don't like one of them, she's a purple person. Afterwards I went to Kaiser and bought a crapload of cold medicines for under $20! I then drove over to safeway to buy Allie some kleenex, the kind with lotion. Then I went home, played some DotA, and looked for some freeware that I could use to make my Puck video idea become a reality. I learned somethings about 3D imaging software (things like it was not at all what I was looking for to make the video) and I checked my HD space. seemed I only had 6GB of free space out of 93GB. After freaking out a bit and swearing a whole lot i decided to uninstall a couple of programs. That only cleared up about 1GB of space, so I thought "there has to be some kind of program that would show me the largest files on my computer to allow me to free up space," and I found it. Seemed legit so I tried it out and it worked pretty well, I found out that all the Steam Applications were taking up over 25Gb worth of space (in the uninstall list it only shows the Steam client, not all the games with it). After uninstalling Steam and its apps (games... I'll d/l the ones I use the most at a later time) I defragged and cleaned up my HD to free up more than 40 gigs of free space. All is right again in the world.
Review of imaginings:
I thought about a "class" called shield master. I figured that out of all the conventional weapons out there, people forget that pretty much anything can be a weapon. I guess the idea sprouted from Kung-fu Panda, where you could nurture your general nature to become your own personal style of fighting. Using this idea I wanted to branch away from the conventional means of element manipulation or weapon mastery, and go with more unconventional ones. I thought of a clan/tribe/minority of some sort (because I know someone was thinking about it) that specialized in creating and using shields. I had a silly idea that there would be some kind of superior metal that there was so little of, that they would dress or adorn their children in them, so they looked like little warriors, but were somehow easily more well protected than even the soldiers (gotta keep those kids safe, you know?). The men would mine the ores while the women crafted and manipulated them to perfection, styling them in the manner of their house, which would be of great pride for them, and also serve a different specialized role. Some shields would be used for general loose armor, some as actual shields, some to make suits of armor so intricate that they would fold over each other leaving the wearer neigh impregnable (think of an armadillo), and others for simple attacking or throwing. I don't know whether to think of them in DotA terms (cause I can think of a new hero idea >.<) or for use in an rpg, anime, or manga. Guess I'll put that on the back burner for now.

Day...

2009-04-08T22:23:00.001-07:00

So far I have only done day one. This is now day (checks blog) 7. here is my get done list for tomorrow:

1. Go Visit Nina before 9:00

2. Read 2 chapters in my book

3. Go to Kaiser and get allergy medicine

4. Go to USF and pick up Allie

5. Get brow waxed

Review of Day:

I woke up at 5:00 Am and drove Allie to work. I played WoW for a couple of hours before returning home at 7:00. I then played some DotA, took a shower, and cleaned the room up a bit (threw stuff under the bed). I then ordered a pizza and waited for Allie to come home so we could give Erin a bath. After Allie came home she ate some re-heated left over Chinese food and we had sex. ( I feel kind of weird letting everyone know that we have sex, just seems like too intimate a thing to be talking about plainly... Oh well, I'll try and get over it.) After sex we cleaned up a bit because our friend was coming over for a visit, so we vacuumed the carpet and gave Erin a bath. Our friend came over and we hung out, ate some Dumpling King and Sweet Shop, hung out for a bit more, then she went to watch a movie with her ex- that she's still friends with. After she left, Allie did some homework and I played WoW while we had some netflix playing in the background. Allie took a shower then fell asleep, leaving it up to me to wake her up at 10:00PM so she could do work. I was unsuccessful.

Review of imaginings:

I thought about making a trailer or video for Puck again, something about it keeps it locked in tight at the front of my mind. In case I get amnesia, or for anyone who is reading, I wanted to make a video about the life of Puck, the faerie dragon ( not "fairy," but "faerie"). Puck is a character from the game Defense of the Ancients, a Warcraft 3 custom game (I don't know if it counts as a "mod"). Nothing is set in stone as to his past, only that he was a personal guardian to the Faerie Queen of Agrace (wherever that is :P ... probably somewhere in the Emerald Dream, seeing as how that's where these faerie dragons come from). In the video (or custom map if I'm that dedicated) I wanted to show moment in his life that he carried with him. The important memories we all carry with us that we learn from and never forget. I wanted to divide it into four parts, one for every move that you can use in the game. The order so far is Illusory Orb/Ethereal Jaunt, Phase Shift, Waning Rift, and then Dream Coil. I have a rough idea for the script, just some basic scenarios for a couple of sections. For the Orb/Jaunt, I wanted the scene to be his father to teach him, like teaching your son how to play catch. For the Phase Shift I wanted a scene where he is running away from an enemy but gets caught in a dead end, and like all people, just wish he could disappear. More to come later, the only other thing I have decided is him using Dream Coil to save the Princess (later Queen) from some intruders and that is how he gets hired to be her personal guardian (I'm wondering now if I need Icefrog's permission before I even start?...).

Day 1

2009-04-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Get Done:

1. Spend 1 hour at the gym.

2. Read 1 Chapter of my Japanese Lit Book.

3. Contact Professor Wolber.

4. Turn in copy of voided check for payroll.

5. Drop Allie off at school.

Review of Day:

I woke up at 5:15 AM and drove Allie into work. Played WoW for a couple hours. Drove Allie back home at 10 AM, we stopped for breakfast at "Joe's." Came home and took a nap with Allie. 2AM I played WoW some more until 3:30 when Jerrick called, wanted to play DotA, but couldn't with out someone to host a game (Tobias). Went to kitchen to look for something to eat, had a short conversation with Aly. Shortly after I returned to my room, feeling depressed because I felt that I somehow forgot how to connect with people and make actual friends (I will be the 1st to admit that I am a bit anti-social). Took a shower and felt ten times better ( it had been a couple of days :P). Ordered Askew for dinner with Allie and played WoW together for a couple of hours. Decided to make and go through with this Project.

Imaginings:

I was reading an ecchi manga by the name of "My Balls" about a guy that can't ejaculate for a month or else humanity would be destroyed; long story short, the demon with the power to kill mankind is sealed away in his balls and if he ejaculates the demon is set free. In this comic there is a scene where the Archangel Micheal is trying to protect him from a horde of demons and he said something along the lines of "God has not abandoned man, now go!" That was a terribly moving thing to me. Taken into a different context and storyline I imagine it would be quite a powerful moment in a story. I thought I would be cool if earth was the main battlefield for the war between heaven and earth and three friends are running from "impending doom" (for lack of actual imagination). One of them turns out to once have been part of the "impending doom" and tells the others to keep running. The two are conflicted, urging the other to keep running with them, though they know to do so holds little to no chance for escape. The one says to the others "God has yet to abandon man, now GO!" The two run, tears streaming down their faces, as the one uses his power to slow down "impending doom" using his own strength. In the process of extinguishing the last of his strength, he finds a more powerful source through self sacrifice and manages to destroy "impending doom" and himself, while saving his freinds.

My Project

2009-04-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

This the outline for a project I will be undertaking effective immediately. This is a contract with myself, for the next year I will post every day in this format: (1) "Get Done List," of five things I need to get the next day; (2) Ten sentences about my day, no more, no less; (3) Ten sentences describing an imaginative thought that I've had today, this includes any and all random day dreamings. All of these items will be brutally honest and sincere. I will stand by all of these items with out hesitation. Comments are appreciated, and will be responded to in a timely fashion, for the sake of clarity. Things will generally start in the middle, so please bare with me. I also have a tendency to misspell or use the wrong form of a word, if you see anything that just irks you please let me know. One of my greatest pet peeves is to be misunderstood, so I'll try and be as clear as I can be. Thank you for your time.

Lets try this out...

2009-03-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

1. Go to the gym
2. Contact professors
3. Clean bath tub
4. Make a "physical" list
5. Brush teeth (sorry to say, my oral hygiene has been lacking)

Things I want to do

2009-02-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

Every time I listen to the song Berlin by BRMC I always think about making either a movie or a game about the DotA character Puck. Just a thought for now. I also want to go to Fanime, but that happens just after Allie's birthday in Las Vegas. I don't know if I have any Finals that week... I can't keep a train of thought at the moment. more on it later.

the day before

2009-02-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

MONDAY:
I went to sleep at around 12, woke up at 5. Drove Allie to work. Did some homework (Japanese), then at around 9ish, I went to the bank to deposit a check and get some gas. I then went home, parked my car, and relaxed for a bit before checking the bus schedule. As I was about to leave, the printer ink ran out and I had difficulty printing out my homework. I left the house late and missed my bus, running up the two blocks made my asthma kick in (the incline is a killer) and as I was catching my breath, I looked for my inhalers (which were supposed to be in my backpack). Not finding them, and not wanting to be late for class, I began walking down two blocks from Balboa to Fulton, huffing and puffing the whole way. As I was nearing the corner the bus passed by; I trudged the last steps to the bus stop, half praying that one would be following close behind. I waited 15 minutes, still asthmatic and I finally decided to go back home and get my medicine. by this time, I was already late for class by a half an hour and still needing transportation. I decided to go to the later one. In the mean time I played some video games. Allie came home from work and she laid down and played her DS. After a while I lied down next to her and went to sleep. After a while I woke up and realized I had slept through my second class, so I decided to relax the rest of the day. I got my hair cut, using Owen Wilson's hair from the Darjeeling Limited as a reference... My brother said it looked like a mullet. I forgot what else happened that day.

dunno

2009-02-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this to document my "stopping." Lets start with today and work backwards.

TODAY:

I woke up, early, probally around 7 ( because thats when Allie woke up) and I declined her invitation to goto school early(because I wanted to sleep more). I woke up when my alarm went off at around 8, then went back to sleep. I remember my dream. I was in a sewer system and I was being chased my a monster, that resembled that one hunter dude from spiderman. I was there with 2-3 other people, Allie being one of them. we had to run around in the sewer system, unlocking puzzles, finding out clues in order to escape. Allie and I made it, dunno about the other guys.

I was then awoken by a call from my father, telling me that he would have the rest of the money around the weekend, and to expect it then. I stayed up (it was around 9ish now) and decided that I had better get ready for school, show up early and snag some free food(the School of Bussiness has free coffee and pastries on tue. mornings). I get ready, clean up some, look at the time, turn on my computer to check the busses, see I have plenty of time before the next one comes, and I just stopped. No warning, just decided that I wasn't going to school today.I went over the kitchen and looked for something to eat. I chose quaker oatmeal and wondered about my decision. why quaker oatmeal? Allie hates the stuff, but I love it...Why? Because it's simple to make, just add water ( I used to add milk, but I'm a big boy now...right?) and some honey and a little maple syrup(ussually I add sugar, and cinnimon, but right now I'm on a diet) and presto change-o, a meal. Not a very tasety meal I'll admit, but i find that simple is best. I also think I like quaker oats because it has a smiling (dunno if he really is quaker) man on the front... Why wouldn't you like it?

After I "cooked up" some breakfast, I sat down on my computer and read some "Deadpool" comics. Afte I finished reading what I had, I thought about my not going to school and of my mental state. I then called the offices of the counciling center at USF and made an appointment with my counciler, he can't see me till wednesday of next week. I then called Kaiser's Psych branch to make an appointment, they can't see me till the 27th...

I skulked around a bit, not really knowing what to do, so I e-mailed my professors about me not coming to school. After I finished with that, I smoked a cigarette(my first in about 3 weeks, my 3rd in about a month) and I thought about how depressing I am. I am the definition of a loser. All I do is sit around, playing videogames. I'm not interested in the things I am studying in school, and I do absolutely no homework. I'm broke, mooch of my parent's who have money issues of their own and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm "looking" for a job right now, though all I did was apply at best buy, took one glance at craigslist and thought it was too much work. shortly after Allie called, and I began writing this...which leads to other thoughts.

How much of a "winner" can I be? I mean, in the end it's all about attitude right? A winner never gives up, even if he has nothing to show for it? What about the loser? He gives up, and still has stuff, but he doesn't appreciate it? What the fuck kind of message am I to follow? I'm supposed to know right from wrong, but the only way I can know that was because my father would beat me every time I fucked up as a kid? I 'm supposed to want to be a winner and never give up, when the next best leading male figure in my life would constantly beat me for no good reason telling me to fight back would be pointless? Is it wrong of me to wonder why I have no direction in life? Is it that hard to understand why I have no idea where to start? People ask, "What am I supposed to do?" but they already know, they were conditioned to "know." What was I conditioned to do? Cry? just sit back and take it? leave me to my own devices as I developed a way to leave my body, so I could escape the pain. In the end, all i've ever done was run. But some tell me, how far can a smoking kid with asthma get?

The Road to Joy

2009-01-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of new house diet plan. I'm at Tully's, its 5:45 am. I think that I'm used to the feeling of being tired, either that or I stopped caring (which is more likely). Yesterday i ate a small bowl of brown rice and a small bowl of cereal, some salad, 2 beers and a cookie; on top of the 6 glasses of water I drank. I'm trying to lose 25 lbs in 5 weeks. the first week is mainly focusing on diet, the next couple will have me exercising at koret. Don't feel like saying much more, I'm wide awake, its morning.

Things going on today

2008-11-12T11:39:00.000-08:00

So lets start with yesterday! I talked with my mother about this fear I have, of classrooms and work. Though now that I'm in a classroom, typing up my blog, it doesn't seem that bad. International Business, entering a country. So I took a test yesterday with the objective to see if I have any learning disorders...and I am pretty worried. If I have a learning disability I am worried that I will begin to act differently. I don't know why, but I feel that if I am diagnosed with a disability, I will be different. But will I? But won't I? It seems that I have lost a great deal of confidence lately. I have been missing classes, not doing homework, and have little to no direction in my life. I feel like I am going to be one of those people that has 15 jobs in 2 years. Moving on, I am currently in the process of asking 2 of my professors for incompletes, and finishing those classes over the winter break. Nothing seems to be going my way.

Jelousy and Envy comin from my enemies...

2008-09-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I slacked off.
I woke up, played a game of DotA, ate breakfast, took a shower, then crapped my pants. When I was about to head out the door to pick up some ferret food and litter, I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Now this wouldn't normally be a problem, I lose my shit all the time (well, maybe it is a problem...) but I usually find it fairly quickly. But the last time I had remembered seeing it was when I was at the gym, in the back of a locker... So I hurry my gf up and we buy some ferret stuff, food, litter, octopus thing, and we head home. On the way back I remember that we needed milk so we stopped for groceries, w/e. We head home, drop shit off and head back to the gym, the pit of my stomach dropping ever deeper as we get closer. So I park and head inside, lo and behold, someone turned it in. Quite relived, I decided to skip my classes today and have fun with Allie. That pretty much summed up the events but I had an interesting conversation with Allie today. One I feel needs some thought, now and perhaps at a later time revisited.

Some back story:
Allie began college as a Bio Major. After about one year she decides "I hate this shit, I'll major in some that I ACTUALLY LIKE DOING!!!" And I love her for it. I respect her for it. She went to her parents and said more or less that she was changing her major to Graphic Design and that she would be happy once she did. The reaction was... less then one I would have given.
Point one: Allie is a Graphic Design major and she loves it.
On to more back story:
Allie has a childhood "friend." Now when I say friend, I imagine that her is some one that shares her points of view, that levels her out, that looks out for her, and is a good influence. After all, who keeps a friend around that makes you feel like shit? The end result, I meet some like her. Of all the people in Allies life, there are maybe two that I feel are a positive influence. One, her cousin Nick. The bastard cousin who is actually studying hard, making something out of him self. He shares a few of my same interests, as well as a birthdate.
Side Point: Cousin is cool.
The other person I feel that is a positive influence in her life is her mother. To make a long story short,-
Side Point: Moms be a bitch, but she knows how to cook. And she actually supports her daughter (unlike her wowaddict father).

Now, side points are nice, but let us go back to the story of Allie and her negatively influential "friend." Allie started hanging out with her in grade school, they were both the transfer kids. They hung out for a year then her "friend" wanted in with the "cool crowd," so she dumped Allie for like a year and spent that time being the cool crowds bitch, all the while thinking that they accepted her. After a while she got tired of that shit and started hanging out with Allie again. Allie didn't mind, saint that she is, and they started hanging out again. Eventually they formed a posse (possie?) / crew with two other girls; one who got kidnapped by her father who fled with her to Guam, the other....I think she smokes crack now, w/e... But in that time, oh soo long ago, there became a sort of reoccurring trend. Allie would get new clothes, art supplies, etc. and she would be happy. Allie comes from a low income family, but I don't hold it against her (... most of the time). Very soon after (like a couple of days) her "friend," who comes from more affluent means, would buy something along the same lines that Allie got, only better. Now, normally this kind of behavior is ok, but not if it happens almost every time. This shit bugs Allie to this day.
Fast forward to today. Allie who has had an interest in GD for some time now, and her friend, who has so far been involved in Photography. Her friend decided that she wanted to switch to a GD major. Now its like... OMGWRFBBQ with Allie QQ-ing all the time.

Normally...normally...I would say that the behavior of her friend is unacceptable. But this isn't a pair of jeans or a new set of crayons. This is someone's life. Allie is all "WTF, that is MY major, GD is MY thing..." but I feel that her friend should be able to study whatever the hell she wants. Whats to stop her from doing something that makes her happy. Isn't Allie doing the same thing? I don't know, but it seems to me that Allie is in the wrong in this situation. I think that she should be happy that she can share in something so important to her. But Allie sees it differently. In the end she's just getting upset because she doesn't want her friend to out shine her, which I find strange because every time we are on the subject, Allie goes on about how GD is more than fancy shit on Photoshop. Guess that's it for now. Next time I'll write about how my friends are giant vaginas and how I was a therapist in my past life. Later.

Testing...

2008-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of school. I woke up at 7 am and went to my yoga class. It was dark and quiet in there. I kinda liked everyone just being quiet. The guy came in and did a guided meditation with us for about 20 minutes then let us go.

I was feeling sleepy so i decided to go back to bed for two hours. My next class was at 12:30.

I went to sleep, woke up and went to ASL. Tracy, Briza and a few others I recognized were all there and I sat with them. It was a short class but I could barely see because I forgot my glasses.

I went to work early to start working on that portfolio book i need for my Interview with some lady from the Art Institute. I'm so excited!

I worked till closing yesterday and even spent 20 min by myself because jacqui had just been in concord and had to close with me. Before she got there it was Olivia, Kim and Adam working.

I think they might start getting a clue that I think Ben is cute. I don't know... I mean I'm not really considering him like that, I just think the things he does are cute. I'm not swooning like I did for Raphael.. oh god that boy was gorgeous.

ANYWAY.

I'm tired, I just want to sleep but at least I'm keeping busy. Friday is my interview so i have to go to work and make that book today.

BAH.. can i just sleep for 20 hours. Turn my phone off.. ignore my responsibilities?
8-/

His dream, in life was to be an echo...

2008-04-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

The name of the song is Hummingbird, by Wilco. It's just stuck in my head...

So here's my day, I woke up, have to write 4 papers, 2 due today, only one got done. Bleh. Its was a spanish composition. The other was for Business group project. I just don't want to look like I'm being a lazy shit. I don't want to LOOK like. that means that I don't want them to find out that I really don't give a shit.
Oh well, what can I say, I just want to play games all day. I guess I just need a break, but thats kind of hard because I goto school all year around. I don't have a summer break because I want to major in Intl. Business, and get a minor in Japanese, and possibly get a minor in Computer science... but first I need to try out a few classes.
I must admit, I am very tired of school right now. it seems that i really don't want to learn what my classes have to offer... I wonder if I should get some heap or something.
An exciting thing is that Tim invited me to play with him on DotA. I was trippin balls. I mean srsly. Needless to say, we won, and It was great.
The highlight of my day, ah video games.

Day...5?

2008-04-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Its been a while since I've updated, here you go:
-Played KotOR : Got up to the Sith enclave.
-Played with Erin: Seriously have to find a way to make her stop biting, and a way to call her over... I need to start using the treats more.
-Wrote 1.5 papers that were due a week ago, the .5 not the 1. I just got it done in time.
-Not going to Spanish Class: Its just really doesn't seem worth all the work and effort
-Watching Bones: Ok, I think i have been watching way too much, but now I'm up to the point where I can't help myself.
-Not getting my ticket done: Ok, as I'm writing this, I realize that I don't want to pay a huge fine...so I'm going to be picking that one up right after I finish blogging.

So whats my beef? I can't get properly motivated. I have no idea what the fuck to do and I know Allie's upset because it's not very fair for me to be playing videogames while she's toiling away, doing homework, taking care of Erin, cleaning up, and cooking (though I feel that I have been contributing more to the cooking and cleaning dept.). I feel pathetic, and I know it sucks and I know I need to straighten up and fly right, but i have no will to do so. Its insane, and depressing. Because all I want to do is play video games. I look back and I remember having fun working with clothes, having a job, getting involved with my classes and doing homework that i was interested in. Maybe its just my classes, I'm just not interested in Japanese, or Business, or Spanish...But then what do I want? I don't want to be wasting everybody's time, including my own, just finding out what I like. Maybe its my self destructive personality. who knows, for all I care I was switched at birth with an alien looking like me, and now I have to live in a world and society that is naturally foreign to me. Maybe I'm just some deadbeat that doesn't know how tho take care of his own shit. I wish I fucking knew though, then at least I could begin on fixing the problem. It's like trying to diagnose a system. Everything is failing but you can't find out why. Usually its the simplest of reasons, loose wiring, new power supply, but what do I do if its some kind of factory default? I can't just get shit replaced, it needs to be fixed. but how?

Day 2

2008-04-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

So it's about 2 in the morning, and I have only got 15 min of life left on my laptop. BTW, my keys are next to the monitor in the office... So my day was filled with filing papers and watching bones. I'm on episode 5 on teh 2nd season now. sry babe, but I was bored. I also checked the nutricional facts on a bottle of pepsi vs a jug of minute maid fruit punch...Pepsi is hella better for you. I have to wake up at 8 tomorrow, finish filing papers, collect on this month's tuition, then see my girls. They must be missing me like crazy (right?!). no more time left, good night.

Day 1

2008-04-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

This is my 1st attempt at a blog. I would really prefer a traditional journal, just because i can really let loose with a pen and paper, but this will do. The intended purpose I guess, besides having my own place to bitch and moan, is to improve my memory. Not that I really have amnesia, but this is my "just in case" shit. In here I will post my deepest and darkest. Hopefully not too dark, I know I picked a black background, but I'm not emo, I SWEAR!!!! idk, I guess I just like dark things, dark places, dark clothes (makes you look skinnier i hear). So now that I have somewhat introduced myself, I will begin by describing the major players in my life.
Allie - My Love, My Girl, the only woman in my eyes (except for like, my mother and grandmother, but they kinda brain washed me to always take care of them. More on that later though). I really do love her to death, and all the shit that she puts up with.
Tobias - My Best Friend (besides Jerrick). He's Chinese and... u dunno, Chinese? He likes video games, basket ball, and he's really close to his family. Also, he's ready for the zombie apocalypse.
Jerrick - My Best Friend (besides Tobias). We've been tight since grade school, son! OLM represent, son! Word! He's Filipino, really close to his his family (in a very responsible way), and he is also ready for the zombie apocalypse.
Erin - My daughter and ferret. Erin is pretty much mine and Allie's baby, after her uncle Tobias had to give her away. She's fuckin awesome and is now learning how to not bite.
Deanna - My Mother, whom I love and appreciate very, very much.
Guido - My dad, whom I respect very, very much
Daniel - My brother, whom I hate very very much
and now because its late, I will conclude my entry. Good Night