TODAY:
I woke up, early, probally around 7 ( because thats when Allie woke up) and I declined her invitation to goto school early(because I wanted to sleep more). I woke up when my alarm went off at around 8, then went back to sleep. I remember my dream. I was in a sewer system and I was being chased my a monster, that resembled that one hunter dude from spiderman. I was there with 2-3 other people, Allie being one of them. we had to run around in the sewer system, unlocking puzzles, finding out clues in order to escape. Allie and I made it, dunno about the other guys.
I was then awoken by a call from my father, telling me that he would have the rest of the money around the weekend, and to expect it then. I stayed up (it was around 9ish now) and decided that I had better get ready for school, show up early and snag some free food(the School of Bussiness has free coffee and pastries on tue. mornings). I get ready, clean up some, look at the time, turn on my computer to check the busses, see I have plenty of time before the next one comes, and I just stopped. No warning, just decided that I wasn't going to school today.I went over the kitchen and looked for something to eat. I chose quaker oatmeal and wondered about my decision. why quaker oatmeal? Allie hates the stuff, but I love it...Why? Because it's simple to make, just add water ( I used to add milk, but I'm a big boy now...right?) and some honey and a little maple syrup(ussually I add sugar, and cinnimon, but right now I'm on a diet) and presto change-o, a meal. Not a very tasety meal I'll admit, but i find that simple is best. I also think I like quaker oats because it has a smiling (dunno if he really is quaker) man on the front... Why wouldn't you like it?
After I "cooked up" some breakfast, I sat down on my computer and read some "Deadpool" comics. Afte I finished reading what I had, I thought about my not going to school and of my mental state. I then called the offices of the counciling center at USF and made an appointment with my counciler, he can't see me till wednesday of next week. I then called Kaiser's Psych branch to make an appointment, they can't see me till the 27th...
I skulked around a bit, not really knowing what to do, so I e-mailed my professors about me not coming to school. After I finished with that, I smoked a cigarette(my first in about 3 weeks, my 3rd in about a month) and I thought about how depressing I am. I am the definition of a loser. All I do is sit around, playing videogames. I'm not interested in the things I am studying in school, and I do absolutely no homework. I'm broke, mooch of my parent's who have money issues of their own and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm "looking" for a job right now, though all I did was apply at best buy, took one glance at craigslist and thought it was too much work. shortly after Allie called, and I began writing this...which leads to other thoughts.
How much of a "winner" can I be? I mean, in the end it's all about attitude right? A winner never gives up, even if he has nothing to show for it? What about the loser? He gives up, and still has stuff, but he doesn't appreciate it? What the fuck kind of message am I to follow? I'm supposed to know right from wrong, but the only way I can know that was because my father would beat me every time I fucked up as a kid? I 'm supposed to want to be a winner and never give up, when the next best leading male figure in my life would constantly beat me for no good reason telling me to fight back would be pointless? Is it wrong of me to wonder why I have no direction in life? Is it that hard to understand why I have no idea where to start? People ask, "What am I supposed to do?" but they already know, they were conditioned to "know." What was I conditioned to do? Cry? just sit back and take it? leave me to my own devices as I developed a way to leave my body, so I could escape the pain. In the end, all i've ever done was run. But some tell me, how far can a smoking kid with asthma get?
more on yestrday later. over and out.
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